Working Mom

About a year ago last spring, I was asking about openings at the school, looking for part-time work, hoping to be able to augment our income to help even out the deficits caused by owning two homes and not very reliable renters. At the time, the only position that was open was one that would require me to work all day, a couple days a week. With Nathan being only in kindergarten, I didn't see how that would work very well for our family. We prayed about it, and decided it just wasn't time yet, and we needed to trust in Heavenly Father (since He led us here in the first place) and trim the budget wherever we could.

Then, later that summer, when I dropped Joshua off for summer reading program, the vice-principal asked me if I was interested in a part-time job at the school as a morning aide in one of the classrooms. I went home and talked to Steve about it again. We prayed again, and decided that this fit into our lives better, and wouldn't cause too much stress for me or our family. (I am first, and foremost a mother, and I love being able to be home with my kids!) So, I interviewed and got the job! We felt like it was a blessing and answer to our prayers.

I was blessed to be assigned to 3rd Grade, to work with Mrs. Mary Harris, one of the most amazing teachers I know. She teaches kids to be responsible, holds them accountable, and empowers them to be the best they can be. Their motto in 3rd grade is "If you don't get it today, you might get it tomorrow. But only if you try." As the year progressed, I learned to really love Mrs. Harris. We became very good friends as we struggled through her mother's stroke and Sarah's illness together. We work well together, and agree on almost everything, including how to raise kids and having unwavering faith in God as our strength. She is an amazing teacher, but also a wonderful friend, whom I gained much respect for and support from.

Fast forward... in retrospect... 

Nearing the end of the school year, the other aide left and I was given the opportunity to work more hours. That helped financially, but it also meant more time away in the afternoon working and in the evenings doing the things I couldn’t do during the day…  I have since discovered that during that time, I was kind of on autopilot, whatever event, chore, or concern filled my life at the moment is what received my attention.

I love my job, but that 8-week experience taught me that there is nothing more important to me than being home. I discovered that my presence in the afternoon and evenings really does matter in my family. Did they survive? Yes. Are they unchanged? No, not really. Through this experience we all changed, and I’m grateful that we had an opportunity this summer to regroup and refocus on what really matters most and, working together to make our home and family what we want it to be, even when Mommy is working.

National Honor Society

At the beginning of October last fall, Rachel was inducted into Century High School's chapter of National Honor Society. I came home from Utah (while Sarah was in the hospital) on the Salt Lake Express to surprise Rachel. I wanted it to be a complete surprise, but we had to tell her ahead of time. She was really, really sad that we weren't there, and must have thought we didn't care enough about her to be there for her too. When she started making plans to go with her friend and her parents, we decided we needed to just tell her. In retrospect, I see that we made a mistake about surprising her. We should have just planned with her from the beginning for me to be there. She went through a lot of agony dealing with her feelings about it all.

That aside, it was a happy reunion when I came home to be with the kids, and we all went to Rachel's induction. I was so proud of her and am so impressed with what a wonderful student she is and how much she loves learning. Her talents and abilities astound me. 

 

My little sister used to always say how much she hated when people said she "has so much potential", as if she wasn't living up to what she could be now.... But, I think they simply meant that they could see so much in her that could prove to be nothing short of amazing as she grew and developed. I see that in my incredible daughter... so much potential, and nothing short of an amazing woman in the future. Love her so much!

A Car Wash, Butterfly and Two Life Lessons

Yesterday, we decided it was about time we washed our filthy cars. They're big cars... a blazer and suburban. The neighbor commented about how great it was that the whole family was helping since they're such big cars. Really, we thought it would be good to work together to teach our children that working together can be fun and that it helps get the work done faster, but I think there was a lot more playing going on than working. We did have fun, and all the kids were soaked. While the suburban was getting rinsed, a beautiful tiger swallowtail butterfly landed right on the wet hood. Its delicate wings immediately stuck to the water on the hood and it was trapped. The kids all started yelling and Steve came over to see what was going on. The butterfly was fighting with all it had ("freaking out" was what Joshua called it) to get free from that wet hood. Steve carefully put his finger by its front legs and it climbed onto his finger. He gently put it on a plant in the sun to dry. The poor butterfly kept trying to flap its wings, but one was so wet it stayed stuck to the leaf for a long time.

After about 15 minutes, its wings were dry, and it crawled to the shady underside of the leaf. I imagine it was recovering from its exhausting ordeal and trying to "catch its breath". After about another half hour, it crawled to the top, and spread its wings and flew away. We saw another one in the back yard later (when we were "having fun" weeding the garden) and Bryson was sure it was the same one coming back to thank us for helping.

Life Lesson #1: When Steve and I were wiping down the windows of the car, we opened the doors and wiped out the inside as well. I was amazed at how disgustingly dirty the windows were in the back seats and that I hadn't even noticed how filthy the car was inside until the outside was clean. We talked about how when things gradually get dirty, you don't even notice just how gross it was until it's clean again. Kind of like life... sometimes we worry more about what our outsides are like, and forget to take a look inside of our minds and our hearts and don't really realize just how neglected and dirty it is in there. If every little smudge, dust speck, and sticky fingerprint is allowed to settle and find a home, pretty soon you're awfully dirty and haven't even noticed. It reminded me how important it is to prepare myself to take the Sacrament each week. It's like a car wash. Well, more like a full professional car detail, actually. Everything wiped clean, sparkling and vacuumed out...even in the tiniest cracks. Add a little air freshener smelling of humility and gratitude, and you can't feel much better than that.

Life Lesson #2: I thought about that poor butterfly and how absolutely panic-stricken it must have been when it landed on the hood and immediately recognized its mistake. Sometimes we do things that seem like a good idea at the time, but immediately realize it wasn't a very good idea. Sometimes we panic, trying our hardest to get free, and the only way we can escape is by the hand that reaches out to our aid. The only way He can help us though, is if we trust Him, and step up on His finger where He can move us to a safe place. Sometimes our struggles are because of our poor judgment or bad choices. However, the kinds of struggles that are hardest for me to just climb on and trust Him are the ones that are simply a product of mortal circumstances. I know that He has the ability to put me in a warm, safe place to dry out and wait until I'm able to fly again. He has done that for me over and over again. But there are those few minutes, where I somehow forget what He can do, and just "freak out", trying so hard to make it on my own, and wear myself out. I learned something important from that butterfly yesterday. It didn't even hesitate to step onto Steve's finger. It may have been instinct, or it may have been desperation, but that butterfly knew what needed to happen to be saved. I hope that in these struggles of mortality, when the Lord's finger appears in my path again, that I will be willing to just step out and trust Him to lead me to the sunshine to rest until I am whole and can fly again.

How Do I Keep My Babies Safe...?

This post should have been made a few weeks ago, at the beginning of March, but I wasn't sure quite how to write what I was feeling, or even if I should write these thoughts down. I have since realized that this is my journal, and no matter how sad, hard, or sensitive things may get at times, I need to write it down for me and others to learn from. (Maybe this is why I should go private, but then, if I do, how can people that need support for heart or PLE issues, or Asperger's find me?.... hmmmmm....) Anyway, I hope this post isn't too sensitive or offensive to some (mostly my family), and that I can adequately express these thoughts without sounding like I'm passing judgment or in any way smearing the names of people I love.... And, after that disclaimer, here's what happened.

At the beginning of March, I got a call from my cousin, the one my age on my mom's side that has been my best friend and one of my favorite people for all of my life. She called to talk to me about her daughter's wedding. In the course of the conversation, I learned that she and her husband finally consented to the marriage of their teenage daughter because she is pregnant. My heart absolutely broke when I heard her tell me that, and naturally, wondered how I would deal with a blow like that, and what on earth I could do to help her. The next evening, my mom called and shared with me a conversation that she had with my brother that had walked away form the church years ago. I learned just how far away he was from coming back, and the finality of his actions left my heart broken yet again, and aching for my parents and all the people who love him. Combined with these thoughts and heartache, I added the fact that a couple months earlier another cousin's teenage daughter had a baby. The worry that I couldn't get out of my head for a week or so after, is "how do I keep my babies safe?"

Parents try their best and do what they can, teaching their kids all the things that make them good, honest, responsible people. Those in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also try to teach them to obey the commandments of God and make the choices that will lead them to eternal blessings. So what do you do when your child (adult or not) chooses a different path.... A path that you know will lead them ultimately to pain and unhappiness? How do you keep them "safe"? After the conversation with my cousin, I realized just how real agency is. It's a gift we were given before the earth was, and no matter how hard we want to take it away from our kids and "make them" choose the right, we can't. It's not what God wanted for us. And yet, our Heavenly Father and Savior love each of us so much that even though they don't want to lose any of us, they won't take it away, either. It's something we actually give up by our choices until we eventually don't have any more options.

After a trip to the Temple with Steve (where much pondering and praying went on), I came home with a very real feeling that things will be okay. For them, yes, but most especially for me and my kids. I worried so much about getting to that point—the one where you start to lose them—and wondered how you end up there, and what can be done (if anything) to avoid going there at all. I don't know the answer to that. I'm willing to bet those that have been through it are still wondering the same thing. I guess the final answer I've come up with that helped to calm my soul is that as long as you can love them unconditionally and place your hand in God's, everything will be okay. It may not be your "okay"... their lives may not go the way you wish they had gone, and your heart may break for them many times over, but at least they'll still know you love them, and they'll still be part of your life. As long as we have our faith and each other, everything will always be okay. I may be too quick to judge, and maybe the paths of these people I love will lead to somewhere wonderful in the end, but in the meantime, I'm holding my babies a little tighter, and thanking my Heavenly Father every night for their obedient spirits, their goodness, their innocence and their love.

Don't Push That Button...Unless You're Sure You Want To!

I think I've hit a point in my life where I'm either too busy or too distracted and find myself often running on "autopilot". I absent-mindedly drive through town, thinking about everything but driving, and marvel that I get where I headed to safely. I wander through the house picking up and putting things away without realizing or remembering what my original mission was. I say things to my kids, answering their questions and requests, and never remember saying them at all (or even the conversation) the very next day--or minute. Well, I was moving on autopilot one day last week. It was Valentine's Day, to be exact.

I was headed over to my mom's house and opened the garage door on my way out to the car. I realized that I had forgotten my phone and went back inside to get it. When Nathan was buckled in and I was seated behind the wheel once again, I turned the key in the ignition with my right hand, and my left hand went up to press the garage door button on my visor at the same time (the autopilot action). Well, I put it in reverse and started backing out only to hear a horrible bang and scrape and realized that I had shut the garage door on the car. I quickly pushed the button to get it to go back up, got out, and assessed the damage. The car was fine...just a little scrape on the luggage rack rails. The garage door, though off the track on one side wasn't very bad either. The biggest problem, however, was that the door opener wouldn't bring the door up or down anymore. I released the door and shut it manually, cursing myself for not paying attention to what I was doing. (I haven't mentioned yet how very much I love the convenience of parking in the garage, and I just wrecked that, after only having it for only 4 months.) What a wonderful call to make to my sweetheart on Valentine's day.... My caring, sweet husband was all-too patient with me, and kindly chuckled (probably rolled his eyes, too) and said he'd look at it when he got home.

After parking the car in the driveway and using the front door for exactly 5 days, Steve called the garage door guys and they came over the next day. Apparently, there were some long wires that were wrapped around the hinge mechanism thing and they got pinched and snapped. I'm not sure if it was the terrible jarring from my autopilot operations, or if it would have happened eventually, but I'm seriously grateful that it was only that. The garage door guy lubed it all up, fixed the wiring, added another spring because the door was "too heavy for just one", and fixed the "hard to push, but works in exactly the right spot with your thumb" button by the laundry room door. It's so nice to have my garage door working again, and even better than before. I feel so bad it put us back about $70, but like Steve said, "It could have been a lot worse. I'm sure glad you didn't keep driving and rip the whole thing off the garage." Unfortunately, he's seen me on auto-pilot. He knows me too well!

I'm a Lifetime Member!!

Well, I did it, I really, really did it! After completing my 6 weeks of maintenance after reaching my goal weight, I officially became a Weight Watchers Lifetime Member tonight! I love the new "me"! I pray with all my heart that my energies and focus will keep me at this point for the rest of my life. I've taken control, I'm healthy, and I feel so good! Here are some of the things I've learned about food and myself:

• I can do anything I set my mind to, if I want it bad enough.
• I can control myself around homemade brownies and cookies.
• It's okay to leave food on your plate, even at restaurants.
• It's okay to say "no, thank you" and it won't offend your real friends.
• It's possible to find healthy food anywhere you go, if you want to find it.
• I have an amazing support system, and I love them so much.
• I know when I'm satisfied, and no longer overeat to bursting point.
• Eating healthy food is more expensive than eating junk food.
• I can have a 32 year-old body, even after I turn 40.
• Planning is the key to success. If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.
• Tracking (even though I hate it) is the key to staying on top of the food game.
• Losing weight and exercising regularly helped me knock off two contributors to diabetes and heart disease.
• Walking on the treadmill is a lot more fun with a good audio book.
• If you fill your plate with salad and vegetables, there's not much room left for potatoes and gravy.
• I LOVE fruits and vegetables!
• There are lots of delicious low-fat and low-calorie substitutes out there, you just have to be willing to try them.
• Eating right is a decision. It's hard sometimes, but so very worth it.

There are a lot more, but I can't think of them right now. I think the most wonderful things that happened are the changes that happened inside of me. I learned that I CAN control myself, that I CAN have energy to keep up with my kids, I CAN feel good on the inside and out, and I CAN do whatever I want to, with a desire to change, lots of support, conscious effort, and prayer!

The turning point in my "healthy-me" journey was definitely when I joined Weight Watchers with my mom. I have said this before, but I love Weight Watchers! Here's why:

• I had to have someone to report to, weigh in with, and be accountable to (my leaders).
• I had to have money spent (monthly fee) so I would be motivated to make it work.
• I had to have success right away so I could see that it would work.
• I love that the new PointsPlusTM program encourages lots of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and controlled portions of lean protein (just like the Word of Wisdom).
• I love that Weight Watchers teaches you ways to cope with stress, emotions and celebrations in non-food ways; helps you look inside of yourself for cues; and helps you explore the real "you" inside and instills courage, hope and strength from within.
• I loved going to group meetings. There was lots of support, celebrating, ideas, recipes and knowledge swapped there that gave me much to think about, and the tools I needed for success.
• I lost 20 pounds (and 2 pants sizes) I'd been carrying around for at least 17 years.
• There is flexibility in the plan that allows you to eat out, have birthday treats, satisfy cravings, and enjoy life!
• It's easy to understand, makes sense with everything you know about living a healthy lifestyle, and was created with the latest scientific research.
• It works!!

New Year's Resolutions

What is it about the new year that makes us look back, look forward, and set new goals? Wouldn't it be just as proper to do it on our birthdays, or any old day... like June 22nd, for instance. Not likely. Starting fresh just seems to happen naturally when the new calendar goes up and the old one hits the trash. Like every year since I can remember, I have set new goals to go with the new year. UN-like every other year, I think they are realistic, necessary and reachable this year. Wanna know what I'm gonna do this year?

#1 - Maintain my new health habits (my new weight and my new exercise habits) and stay healthy and in control of the food part of my life this year.

#2 - Post on my blog (aka. write in my journal) at least once a week.

#3 - Study the scriptures at least 20 minutes a day, at lest 5 days a week.

Obviously, there are some other things that have to go with those goals, like being organized throughout the day to get myself to bed early enough to get up to study and exercise the next morning, spending my time on Sunday afternoons with my "journal" if I haven't yet that week, and thoroughly enjoying my "one" brownie at Family Home Evening, instead of gobbling up seven like I used to. It's going to be a great year...I can just feel it. I'm off to a good start. I've accomplished my new goals for three whole days! :)

Christmas Blessings

I just tucked five of my most amazing blessings in bed on this beautiful Christmas night, and headed to bed with tears streaming down my face and a giant lump in my throat. I felt I just had to take a minute to record the gratitude I feel gushing from my heart. I am so blessed to have such amazing children. They are so eager to do what is right, so happy to serve, so thoughtful and kind (most of the time), and very forgiving (the rest of the time). They love to learn, thrive on love, and love to make me smile. They each have such different personalities, and I wouldn't change a single thing about them. Those individuals are so very extraordinary I am so thankful for each of them, and so grateful that they are mine - forever. I went back into their rooms and told each of them that tonight...that I was thankful that Heavenly Father gave them to me and that they were part of our family. That's when the tears and lump started forming. What a great way to end a wonderful Christmas day. Now I get to crawl into bed with their father - the love of my life, my best friend, and the other greatest blessing in my life -  and snuggle down in his arms and cry with gratitude some more. I can't believe how much my Heavenly Father must love me to give me the privilege of loving such choice people, and helping me realize it again tonight. I'm still sitting here wondering if it's the tiredness from getting up at 5:00 this morning, the lingering sweet Christmas spirit we started the day with, or the nyquil I took to help me sleep thorough my cold, but whatever helped prepare me for this experience tonight, I'm...well, ...grateful.

Why is life so crazy?

I've thought about my blog a lot the last few weeks and really planned to spend some time at least every Sunday posting, but time never seems to slow down enough to get to it. I've got at least 5 major things to post, in addition to our Family Road Trip to Alaska, plus all the things I wanted to put in since we've moved. We had half of Steve's family here for Thanksgiving (which was wonderful), and now I'm working on Christmas projects, cards, decorating, and shopping... Stay tuned, maybe I'll have some time to catch up before the year ends! I think I've decided all I want for Christmas this year is a couple more hours a day...

A Walk with Christ, Faith, and Growth

This is the second year our stake has put on the "Walk with Christ". It's a huge undertaking, with months of preparation, prayers and work. They put on a "journey" through the stake center and through the life of Christ. The stake center is transformed and decorated with period details, costumes on guides and actors and the most beautiful paintings of the Savior you've ever seen. It starts with the nativity and the continues through His ministry, the Last Supper, the garden, the judgment, the crucifixion, the apostasy, the restoration and then ends with the "Reflections of Christ"slide show. Well, and of course, cookies and water in a beautifully decorated gym reminiscent of a Temple Square visitor's center afterward. It's a beautiful experience to walk through with your family and feel the Spirit and remember at Easter time what it's really about.

This year, I was asked to to serve with the Walk with Christ committee on this project, decorating the Last Supper room. The “calling” came at a time when I was overwhelmed and didn’t see how I could fulfill this assignment. Steve was working evenings on the campaign and not available, and with my children’s rigorous and rigid homework routines and their evening appointments and activities, and my calling as Stake YW president and our upcoming activities, it was a very daunting task that I almost declined, twice. I prayed and asked for help and to know if this was truly an inspired assignment for me at this time, and received a positive answer through my sleepless thoughts of how I would be able to make this work. Faces and pictures appeared in my mind. My mom and visiting teacher both volunteered to help with kids, and my amazing counselors took over the planning of our upcoming fireside. As I started talking about it, people gave me contacts, ideas, mental images, props and loaned much of their home décor to help me. So, with faith and trust in the Lord, many, many prayers, and hours of study and organizing, I went forward and accomplished a near-impossible task.

I heard Brother Winder (a good friend of ours who acted as one of my "Peters") on a couple of occasions talk about his experience in helping with this project. He said it was truly one of the most spiritual and life-changing experiences he’s ever had. No wonder I saw his face in my mind after prayer. The Lord really did use me as an instrument in His hands. Many people’s lives (in addition to my own) were touched and changed. I also got to accomplish a Faith Value Project in my Personal Progress book. My faith grew tremendously through this process and I relied on the Lord for inspiration and support, and He provided it at every turn.

In this experience, I learned that through faith and prayer anything is possible. More importantly, though, I also learned that the Lord knows what we can and can’t handle. Sometimes He places opportunities for growth in our path that may be hard, inconvenient and extremely taxing. I know that sometimes those opportunities can be turned down or passed by with little consequence. But, I learned that when we ask and the Lord makes a way possible for us to accomplish these hard, almost impossible tasks, we must continue to pray, trust, and do all in our power to do our best in what he asks of us. If we do, he really does make up the difference…. And gives us the power to make a difference.

Details...Details...
Here's how the "Last Supper Room" looked...

The view to the left as you walk in the room...

...and the right...

"Peter" was behind this table telling his story of the Last Supper and Jesus washing his and the other disciples' feet.

...And the left side as you exit into the Garden Room.

A Patriarchal Blessing

On Saturday, February 28th, Sarah received her Patriarchal Blessing. She had been preparing for a few weeks by fasting, praying, reading articles, and having several conversations about them with me and Steve. She had an interview with the bishop, and called and made her appointment. I think we were all a little nervous, maybe for the same reasons. I was little worried, because of how many times we've almost lost her and how uncertain her future is to us, that the answers we've sought for so long might be revealed and not be the ones we really wanted. There are worries I had about her future and her potential I didn't want confirmed. I think Steve was having much of the same feelings. Sarah was nervous, as most recipients are, because of the unknown. Although she never expressed these feelings, I'm pretty sure she was also having some of the same feelings we were.

The stake Patriarch, Paul P. Peterson, is a very humble, soft-spoken man with a kind and gentle voice and demeanor. He introduced us to his wife and we sat in the living room and visited casually for a few minutes as we all got to know each other a little better. Then he took us downstairs to the room where he had the recorder and chair set up to give her blessing. He spoke beautiful, comforting words, revealing truths, and many specific instructions for Sarah. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was amazed when he mentioned the hardship of illness without knowing anything about her health history. It was a beautiful blessing, full of comfort, revelation, and hope. I was so grateful to be present, as I believe those words were something I needed to hear at this time of her life almost as much as she did. And though he didn't speak much, the tears that ran down his face and the constant squeeze of his had let me know that Steve was feeling much the same as I. Sarah had invited Rachel, as her best friend and support, and though she didn't say much either, I know she was touched by the words he spoke and saw her big sister in a little different light. It was a beautiful experience and we had such a beautiful peaceful spirit with us that none of us wanted to leave or talk. I'm really looking forward to having similar spiritual experiences with my other four children. I pray that Sarah will treasure her blessing, read and ponder if often, and follow with exactness the counsel she was given by her Heavenly Father. I also pray she will never forget how much He loves her.

Job Security

In January, Steve accepted an offer for a part-time job working on U.S. Congressman Mike Simpson's re-election campaign. I call it job security, because that's who he works for in his full-time job. Since he started there in January of 2009, they learned that he was a hard worker, has a lot of connections in Southeast Idaho and obviously had a vested interest in the cause. Steve knew the extra money would be a blessing to help us reach our goal of getting out of debt, buy a few things that we needed (like a new refrigerator), and give him the opportunity to make even more connections in the political world. Besides believing his boss is by far the best man for the job, we kind of need to stay employed. So, after much talk of what that would require of me as the mommy suddenly losing much my incredible husband's help, and pledging my support in this endeavor, he took the job.

The past 3 months have been a little tumultuous in the campaign, as the lies began to fly early from the others running in the primary election against Mike. But after attending several events and a debate, Steve is feeling a little more comfortable with the chances of his boss winning the primary. He is enjoying his associations with the others involved, and is working hard to fulfill his commitments. On the home-front, my life has been crazy busy and it's been hard for me to not accept my husband's gentle kindness as he uncomplainingly takes over to let me fulfil my responsibilities. I realized one day as I looked at his tired, haggled, burdened expression that in recent weeks as he had been helping me with the family, he had not been able to give the campaign the attention that he should have been. I made him promise to be a little more selfish and let me know when work needed to be done so I could make other arrangements or skip some of my things to take care of the kids. So, we are now working together a little better with the arrangement of not having him so available to me. I'm working harder on asking others for help, learning to say no sometimes, and my life has slowed down a little. So, I think we will survive this.

On the upside, with our beginning bonus and tax return, we've payed off all our credit cards, and our only debt is now the house! We've bought a new refrigerator (and a treadmill), and are saving the rest of the the extra money for our trip to Alaska and to build up our food storage. We have prayed rather fervently for a long time to be blessed with ways to pay off our debts. I know the Lord answers the prayers of those who are trying to be obedient. Sometimes He doesn't make it very easy, but it's always there, and available to those who are willing to pay the price! ...And we are so grateful!

Addicted to Chocolate...

Okay, I had a little reality check a couple of weeks ago when I threw away another emptied large bag of m&ms. I was really upset at myself for having absolutely no self-control, and did some searching for help on lds.org. Most of the articles were pretty specific about certain kinds of addictions, but there was one that helped me get a little perspective. I wrote an article for our Dixon Family Newsletter sharing my feelings. It really sums up what I was thinking...

As I stepped on the scale this morning to weigh-in for The Dixon Girls’ Biggest Loser, I thought back through the week and realized three things about myself. 1) There is something seriously wrong with my calorie intake/burn ratio. 2) Eating most of a 13 oz. bag of m&ms in two days or 7 brownies at a time is not normal. 3) I have an addiction to chocolate. I know this sounds kind of funny, and I’ve been known to admit it lightheartedly, but I started thinking about my obvious lack of self-restraint, and it made me feel really bad about myself. In my mind, addiction is an obsession that causes us to neglect things of greater importance. When we think of addiction, we usually think of drugs, alcohol, pornography, or gambling. But, I believe that addiction can also apply to things like food, television, shopping, politics, Face book, or anything that we find ourselves so involved in or with that we lose control over our bodies, time, or priorities, and it hurts to change our behavior.

I found a talk by Elder Robert D. Hales that really hit me in the heart when I read it. Here’s some of what he said: “I speak to all whose freedom to choose has been diminished by the effects of ill-advised choices of the past. I speak specifically of choices that have led to...addictions...that diminish one’s sense of self-worth. We must turn to the Lord and follow His commandments. We must want more than anything else to change our lives so that we can break the cycle of our uncontrolled wants. Our challenges, including those we create by our own decisions, are part of our test in mortality. Let me assure you that your situation is not beyond the reach of our Savior. Through Him, every struggle can be for our experience and our good. The Lord will never allow us to suffer beyond what we can endure. We must remember that the adversary knows us extremely well. He knows where, when, and how to tempt us. If we are obedient to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, we can learn to recognize the adversary’s enticements. Our success is never measured by how strongly we are tempted but by how faithfully we respond. We must ask for help from our Heavenly Father and seek strength through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ.” (Ensign, May 2009)

I thought about that and realized that because I am a child of God who loves me, and because He gave me this body which he expects me to have control of, and because what I want and feel matters to Him, I can turn to Him with this struggle, too. I must ask for help, and then do whatever I can myself, relying on His strength to sustain me. Mom told me she’d joked about giving up chocolate for Lent. I decided today that I don’t have to give it up temporarily, or even forever. I just have to “gather my wits” again, and exercise and strengthen my self-control. With God’s help, I know I can make weak things become strong.

Biggest Loser Update: The Wall

Here's an update on my Dixon Girls Biggest Loser challenge...

Five years ago, I lost 28 pounds. I wanted to lose about 37, but I hit a point that I couldn't get past. I called it my wall. For months, I kept at it, trying to break through, but just couldn't get past it. I finally decided that with that weight loss, I would just be happy being that size, and be grateful that I shed the other 28 pounds. ...And, here I am again...

I'm happy to announce that I hit that point again about 4 weeks ago. My weight has been fluctuating right above that since. I've been pretty frustrated because no matter how hard I work out and regardless of what I (don't) eat, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I would really like to lose at least 7 more pounds, and be within the middle of my healthy BMI range. However, my ultimate goal is, of course, to be healthy and have the energy I need to keep up with my kids. I feel like I've already begun to accomplish that one. So, I'm doing okay, just want to figure out how to get past "the wall"!

I recently finished reading Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture (great book!) and pondered some of the things he taught. The one thing that has stuck in my head the most is something he said about brick walls. "...A brick wall isn't there to keep us out. It's there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." So, my brick wall (the point where I quit losing weight over and over again) has become an even greater challenge for me. It's the point where I get to decide HOW BAD I really want to lose those pounds (be a size 10, get in better shape, establish healthier habits...etc.). And I have decided!! I'm going to bust down the wall by working my butt off (literally). And if I can't bust it down, I'm going to use all my new-found energy, and just climb over it!!

He Watches Over Me

I woke up this morning thinking about Veterans' Day and feeling gratitude for the many blessings I have in this free country and those who have sacrificed so I could have them. I obviously had no idea what was in store for me today. My gratitude for other things was enlarged as the day went on...

I was bringing Sarah back from school and ran over something on the freeway. By the time I had taken the exit, I could feel the pulling and hear the awful noise of a very flat tire. As soon as I could, I pulled over and parked. With Steve being out of town and unable to rescue me, Nathan and I would have to fend for ourselves. I remembered I was a grown-up resolved to handle this on my own. I remembered that I had been too lazy to put away the stroller yesterday, so it was still in the car. I was wearing my pajama pants and a trashed sweatshirt, but had (for some unknown reason) put on real shoes instead of my slippers, like I usually do. So, Nathan and I got out and walked home. It was only about 5 blocks. We went home and I exercised, showered, and tried to think through what to do.

I called David to see if he was available to help during his lunch break, if I couldn't do this by myself. He said he was available and happy to help. When we were ready, we loaded into the truck to go take off the flat tire and get it fixed. However, the truck wouldn't start (not really a surprise, but I was hoping). Nathan and I loaded instead into the stroller again and walked back to the suburban. Much to my dismay, I discovered that the jack and lug wrench were bolted into the cubby to keep them from rattling. I got the wrench free, but the bolts on the jack wouldn't budge. I decided I would just wait for David to come rescue me. Just as I was getting out of the back of the suburban, a nice man pulled up in his truck and asked if I needed help. After I explained what was going on, he said his name was Mark and he actually had a hydraulic jack and lug wrench in the back of his truck. He spent the next half hour taking off my tire and changing it to the spare. (Anybody else know how to get that "spare tire holder" down from under the bottom of an SUV? I never would have figured that one out on my own! Well... unless I read the directions.) Anyway, he got the tires changed and things cleaned up for me, wished me well, and got me on my way. I thanked him and asked if there was anything I could do for him, and, as I expected, he told me no and that he was just glad to be able to help. We parted ways and I headed to the tire store where they repaired my flat tire. Four hours and and only $10.95 later, the whole ordeal was behind us.

On my way home, I reflected on the many things that were in place to make that difficulty as painless as possible for me. Shoes instead of slippers, a stroller, how close we were to home, nowhere else we had to be, a brother available to help, Mark - my hero of the day - who just happened to be in the neighborhood at that time with the jack and wrench we needed in his truck and nowhere else to be, and a simple flat to repair instead of a whole tire to replace. The more I think about it, the more little details I see and marvel at how much my Heavenly Father must love me. He couldn't keep my tire from going flat, but He softened the blow the best He could. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in miracles.

That's Progress...

One Saturday, a couple of weeks ago, we had one of those days where we went from one thing to another and then I crammed Halloween costume shopping into all the little spots in between. I picked up Bryson from a birthday party, where he had a wonderful time. Then, instead of going home, we parked at the church parking lot. Our family was assigned to clean the building that day, and were already late, so I just planned to meet Steve and the other kids there. Well, I had forgotten to notify my son that we had other things planned for his afternoon, and this surprise really didn't sit well with him. His Asperger's responses kicked in and he asked in a pretty angry voice, "What are we doing here?" I answered that we were there to clean the church. He folded his arms, glared at me through his knit eyebrows, and said, "You didn't tell me. I'm not going." Well, I tried not to stay calm, and just apologized for forgetting to tell him, and told him he could stay in the car, but we were here until the work was done, and I was going in to help. I locked him in, and went into the church. I secretly checked to make sure he was safe out there, but he sat like that for quite some time.

After a while, I saw him slink into the building and with an embarrassed smirk on his face, he told me he had to come in to go to the bathroom. After he was done, he stayed and helped clean the bathrooms and vacuumed. On the way home, I thanked him for his help and as I put my arm around him, I asked, "So, was that really so bad?" He looked down at his feet and said, "No, Mom. I was wrong. It was okay. Sorry." We talked about how good it makes you feel to be helping others and showing our gratitude for the nice church we have to meet in. It took me a few days to realize how much his simple admission must have cost him, and how much it really meant. He admitted (without my prodding or "guilting") that he was wrong and that he was sorry for his behavior. He recognized that it was not acceptable, and not the correct way to respond to that situation. I know he was frustrated, and probably had much different plans for his day. I should have remembered how important it is to prepare him for those things. But I was so impressed with his thoughts during our short conversation in the car on the way home. I think that's what I'd call progress.... Boy, I sure do love that kid!

Who's the Biggest Loser?

When Shaunna was here this last summer, we were talking about how we need to lose weight and get in better shape. Mom had been struggling with her diabetes and blood sugar levels that were so screwy she didn't know what to do. Then she told us about Mike on The Biggest Loser, whose Dad was diabetic and on lots of other medications for his poor health and by the end of the season was off all his medications. She said, "That's what I want. I don't even care if I'm skinny ever again, I just want to be healthy and in control." Kristina had just had Kassandra and with her gestational diabetes experience, was feeling much the same way. So, we talked about doing our own special brand of Biggest Loser, working together for support and encouragement.

Shaunna and Kristina worked out a good and fair way to administer the challenge and invited each of us to participate. We had such excitement among the Dixon girls that we all agreed to participate and Krystal's sister, Shamae and Kristina's daughter, Shannon are also on board! We had to re-vamp the exercise portion and worked it out to have a weight loss winner and an exercise winner (since we all need to exercise and be fit, but only some have a significant amount weight to lose). That way, we all have a goal and a chance to win!

We each agreed to put in $35 to the winner's pot. That's $280 for winnings!! ($180 goes to the biggest loser, and $100 for the exercise winner.) We have to weigh in every Monday morning and report our weight that day and hours of exercise the past week. Kristina calculates the percentage of body weight we lost (or gained) that week and gives us one exercise point for each half-hour we spent exercising. I built a blog (...sorry, it's private to protect our losers) where she posts the results and we can go in search of support and encouragement from each other. We started on August 31st, and will end on March 29th (7 months).

At this point, I've not done very well with the contest results. I'm about in the mediocre range for exercising and second-to-last in the weight loss. But, it is helping, and I am doing (and feeling) great! My ultimate goal in participating in this little (okay, huge) challenge is to be healthy and feel good about myself. With all the heart, blood pressure, and diabetes issues in my mom's family, I'm determined to be healthy and avoid them as long as I can. In order to do that, I have to make some lifestyle changes and commit to being healthy, and therefore...happy. The thing I've noticed is that because I have to be accountable for my weight, I am much more careful what I spend my carbs on. Last week, I imposed a diet upon myself, combining some things from South Beach, some from Jilian Michaels' Master your Metabolism book, some from an insulin resistance Link and Balance Diet, and the common sense things I've known, but not followed, most of my adult life. Also, my desire to exercise has increased dramatically. For starters, we have to exercise at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week for any of our exercise to count. So, who wants to have only 3 points at the end of the week? Not me! So the intensity and drive is so much greater than ever before. And the more I exercise, the better I feel after a good workout, the more I want to feel it again the next day. Kind of cool how that works. The more energy I use, the more energy I gain, and the more energy I have to spend.

So far, I've only lost 2 pounds. But, in the last week, I've noticed that my body's changing and some of my clothes are fitting differently. You know, a little more room around the thighs, bum and arms, not quite so tight on the belly. It feels so good, and is so motivating! Can't wait to weigh in the morning and see if my new "diet" is really working! Actually, I can't wait til next March to see how I look and feel then!

Life After the Diagnosis

It's been about 8 months since Bryson was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Some days I can totally forget that there's anything different about him, and think we were hasty in seeking a diagnosis. Other days, I'm so grateful to finally have an explanation and some tools to help us be able to help him through this adventure we call life.

After waiting forever for the doctor to send referrals and get appointments set up for us with therapists, we finally bypassed him and with the help of his nurse, we started some therapy. Bryson went to his first Occupational Therapy appointment in August, the week I was gone to girls camp. Steve took him in and they started the assessment process. His therapist is a cute and sweet girl (probably in her late 20's) named Tonja. It is so fun to watch how she interacts with him. At their first appointment, she told Bryson that she loved his name and when she has a little boy, she wants to name him that. (Her last name is Brown, too.) Bryson beamed. Through the evaluation, we learned that there were some things that she can help us with, mostly related to gross motor skills and building the large muscle groups. She gave us some tips to deal with homework time and some information about Sensory Diet and how to help him with his sensory needs. There is so much to learn. First, we let him go outside and jump on the neighbor's trampoline for about a half hour. She taught us that since he's spent so much time at school trying to focus, he's probably really burned out and needs to use his large muscles to kick his mind back into gear. Through the sensory information, we also discovered some music that he loves to listen to with a steady quick rhythm to keep him going at a reasonable pace.

The miracle occurred after the first week of school, and now homework time isn't nearly the nightmare it was last year. It still requires preparation and focus on my part, but we've made significant strides. I'm not sure if it's the maturity I've seen developing in him, the new desk arrangement for homework time, the "homework helpers" (small reward treats), the beat of his new favorite music, or the exercise prior to homework time, but something (maybe a combination of all of it) has clicked, and he works hard until the chore is done. He works so much more independently and sticks to it until we can sign it all off. I can tell that he's really trying and I tell him almost every day how much I appreciate his hard work and amazing focus.

About 5 weeks ago, we went back to visit the psychologist to talk about some therapy that the pediatrician recommended to help with stress management and relaxation techniques. He refereed us to Renee and we started seeing her, too. She assessed the needs based on his original diagnosis report, and the things I shared with her, and by observing and talking to Bryson. She's already taught him some breathing and relaxation techniques (using sensory reminders) that will help him be more "grounded" and focused for homework time. We haven't had to use them yet, but she taught them to me, too, so we could do them together. She spends time with me (or Steve) alone, or with Bryson, to discuss issues that come up and offer ideas and insight to help us better deal with the hard situations.

At our last session, she taught me the importance of focusing on praising his effort, rather than the whole. We had a situation during that week where I was correcting some of his spelling and the "criticism" was just too much. He shut down. When I got him back and talking to me, he told me that he felt stupid and hated that he makes mistakes. I realized at that moment how damaging my "help" was to him, but was worried also because I don't want him to get his homework back with everything marked wrong. I can see how damaging that could be, too. So, I asked Renee how to help and correct him without criticizing. She told me that in our society we focus on the end result as being "good" or "bad", "right" or "wrong" and that for kids like Bryson, he needs to know that each step of the way is a battle he is winning. She suggested that I praise his straight lines, nice handwriting, or the creative sentence and then ask him if he can see something that's not correct in the sentence (or problem). I tried it the next day, and realized how turning it into a game, and having him find the mistakes himself was a much better way to help him learn. I also realized in our discussion that his very literal mind hadn't completely grasped the "rules" or concepts in the assignment. The assignment was to "choose 7 spelling words and write 7 sentences." To you and I, that also includes application of the understood rules of proper grammar, spelling, capitalizaiton, and punctuation in those 7 sentences. Yet, every sentence he wrote started with a lower case letter and had misspelled words (including his chosen spelling words). It's amazing what you can learn when you step outside of the moment and look at things from an AS mind. We approached that and a couple of other issues with his teacher in his IEP meeting.

We had the IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting a week or so ago. We feel so blessed that he is able to attend The Academy, where the environment of the school already addresses much of what Bryson needs. We brought up the thought of giving speific guidelines to each assignment and the teacher agreed that it would probaly help all of her students to have that reminder. We talked about having short-term assignments written out for him to better pace himself with the long-term assignments. His special ed teacher suggested that homework shouldn't take as long as it does, so we also made accommodations for his math homework (when appropriate) to be written out for him, so he can focus on working the problems rather than the transfer of information. He also gets to do his "mad minutes" math facts with flash cards instead of on the paper for the same reasons. We also talked about how note taking is so tedious for him with this stuggle between transfer and processing information and asked that a copy of the teacher's notes be provided so I can help him at home to make sure he has all the right informaiton on his study guides and worksheets. He will also be receiving OT at school once a week to reinforce the activity goals that Tonya has begun.

I'm so excited about the progress we've made, the special alone moments and talks I've had with him driving to and from therapy, and the much-needed help we're getting for him and us. I feel like things are moving at a nice even roll now, and that we have many more tools and resources to help us work through the bumps. He's such a special kid with so much to offer and I love him and his special little self sooo much!

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart!

We celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary this month on August 9th. Actually, we celebrated together on the 7th and 8th, and with the kids on the 9th. Lacking any funds for a traditional romantic weekend getaway, we got a little more creative this year. Steve and I have never ever been camping alone. So, we thought we'd give it a shot, since it's a pretty cheap place to go. We packed up some yummy things to cook an anniversary dinner over the fire (ginger sesame pork and shrimp, red new potatoes and salad, complete with sparkling juice and frozen mint pies), sleeping bags and pillows and a few other camping essentials. We had such a wonderful time!! It was kind of weird not having all the kids there, but so nice to just sit together and talk, stare at the fire, watch an old movie in bed (in the back of the Suburban...not as comfy as we'd imagined) and spend some much needed private time together. We slept in (til our old bladders forced us out of bed) and cleaned up camp in the rain. What's camping without rain, anyway. It was a beautiful weekend.

As I reflect on the last 18 years, I am truly humbled as I realize how much the Lord has blessed me. I can't imagine how my life would be without the incredible man I've married beside me. I can't even describe the depths of love I have for him and the gratitude I feel. We've been through so much in the last 18 years, health problems, work issues, financial problems, the unknown in so many struggles... and through it all, we cling to each other and work through it with the Lord's help. We always seem to know what the other needs. Steve has made me a believer in Soul Mates, and I'm so grateful he found me, and knew I was his. He's everything to me. I love you, sweetheart.

Contemplating Waffles and Eternity

One night when the girls were gone for mutual to a camp certification night at Scout Mountain, we decided to take the boys and have a little dinner of our own in the mountains. We made some sandwiches and drove up there, too, hoping to grab a picnic spot and have a little quality time with our boys in a setting that they love. We were disappointed to find out that Scout Mountain doesn't have any day use picnic areas anymore. They're all camping spots and cost $10 per use. So, we headed back down the mountain and stopped at Cherry Springs. Steve and I ate in the amphitheater area while the boys ignored their dinner and picked flowers, played with giant leaves and caught caterpillars. We had a fun time together. We decided to head home when the mosquitoes got so bad Bryson was running around in circles so they wouldn't land on him. Funny boy.

On the way home, Steve and I were talking softly while the boys sat quietly and stared out the windows. (I think they were tired, but really fighting sleep.) All of a sudden, Josh said, "Dad? Do you thin the girl I marry will like waffles?" Trying to stifle his laugh, Steve answered, "I'm sure she will son." Josh thought about that for a second and then said, "Good. Because I really like waffles and the girl I marry has to like them so we can eat them all the time for breakfast." He settled back into his thoughts again and all was quiet in the back seat. Steve and I joked about him taking all of his dates to IHOP and making sure they order waffles before he considers them marriage-worthy. What a sweet thing a six year-old perspective is. Life is so good when all that really matters to your future is whether or not your wife will eat waffles with you.