How Do I Keep My Babies Safe...?

This post should have been made a few weeks ago, at the beginning of March, but I wasn't sure quite how to write what I was feeling, or even if I should write these thoughts down. I have since realized that this is my journal, and no matter how sad, hard, or sensitive things may get at times, I need to write it down for me and others to learn from. (Maybe this is why I should go private, but then, if I do, how can people that need support for heart or PLE issues, or Asperger's find me?.... hmmmmm....) Anyway, I hope this post isn't too sensitive or offensive to some (mostly my family), and that I can adequately express these thoughts without sounding like I'm passing judgment or in any way smearing the names of people I love.... And, after that disclaimer, here's what happened.

At the beginning of March, I got a call from my cousin, the one my age on my mom's side that has been my best friend and one of my favorite people for all of my life. She called to talk to me about her daughter's wedding. In the course of the conversation, I learned that she and her husband finally consented to the marriage of their teenage daughter because she is pregnant. My heart absolutely broke when I heard her tell me that, and naturally, wondered how I would deal with a blow like that, and what on earth I could do to help her. The next evening, my mom called and shared with me a conversation that she had with my brother that had walked away form the church years ago. I learned just how far away he was from coming back, and the finality of his actions left my heart broken yet again, and aching for my parents and all the people who love him. Combined with these thoughts and heartache, I added the fact that a couple months earlier another cousin's teenage daughter had a baby. The worry that I couldn't get out of my head for a week or so after, is "how do I keep my babies safe?"

Parents try their best and do what they can, teaching their kids all the things that make them good, honest, responsible people. Those in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also try to teach them to obey the commandments of God and make the choices that will lead them to eternal blessings. So what do you do when your child (adult or not) chooses a different path.... A path that you know will lead them ultimately to pain and unhappiness? How do you keep them "safe"? After the conversation with my cousin, I realized just how real agency is. It's a gift we were given before the earth was, and no matter how hard we want to take it away from our kids and "make them" choose the right, we can't. It's not what God wanted for us. And yet, our Heavenly Father and Savior love each of us so much that even though they don't want to lose any of us, they won't take it away, either. It's something we actually give up by our choices until we eventually don't have any more options.

After a trip to the Temple with Steve (where much pondering and praying went on), I came home with a very real feeling that things will be okay. For them, yes, but most especially for me and my kids. I worried so much about getting to that point—the one where you start to lose them—and wondered how you end up there, and what can be done (if anything) to avoid going there at all. I don't know the answer to that. I'm willing to bet those that have been through it are still wondering the same thing. I guess the final answer I've come up with that helped to calm my soul is that as long as you can love them unconditionally and place your hand in God's, everything will be okay. It may not be your "okay"... their lives may not go the way you wish they had gone, and your heart may break for them many times over, but at least they'll still know you love them, and they'll still be part of your life. As long as we have our faith and each other, everything will always be okay. I may be too quick to judge, and maybe the paths of these people I love will lead to somewhere wonderful in the end, but in the meantime, I'm holding my babies a little tighter, and thanking my Heavenly Father every night for their obedient spirits, their goodness, their innocence and their love.